F I V E

Five years, huh?  It feels like just yesterday that Riley and I were making that 90-minute drive from Pocatello to Logan every weekend.  Making that commute was tedious at times, but looking back, those were the best days.

Riley and I have known each other going on ten years now and I love him more now than ever.  It's so crazy to think about how we came together.  All the events that had to align just right to meet one another in Omaha during the summer of '06.  Although we weren't aware of it then, I would like to think that this whole thing, me and Riley, were meant to be.  I like those sappy love stories, I believe in fate, and that we all have other half.  If you haven't found him/her yet, just know it took four years for me to realize Riley was that other half.

These last four years have been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights and through it all, Riley has been my rock.  I didn't realize it until I was married how grateful I am to have a companion, someone who will be by my side no matter what the season, someone I can vent to, someone to share my insecurities with, someone I can share my hopes and dreams, and someone I can be completely vulnerable towards.  I can't even imagine what it would be like without him.

I am not going to go into that mushy gushy stuff, because let's be honest, I have done a lot of that on this blog already ha!!  But I do want to share some of the things that I have learned along the way.  I hope this resonates with those who will or have already embarked on the incredible journey of marriage:

• Be Together, But Don't Be.  I remember so many of my friends in Logan would talk about how people changed when they got married.  The notion was that once you get married, you pretty much disappear from the social scene.  I understand the importance of spending time together, but I understand that being alone and have time away from your spouse is even more significant.  Riley and I aren't afraid to get away with our friends for a weekend or to have a night by ourself.  When you're married, don't lose your individual self that makes you "you." 

• Independence. One of the greatest blessings (although not necessarily by choice) has been living far from family, particularly over the past almost four years.  It's just been me and Riley; no parents and no siblings to constantly call for help.  We have relied on one another and the network of friends we have built up in St. George.  Of course, this doesn't mean we don't miss them all because we certainly do!!  If you really want to test your marriage and your resilience, move away for a few years.  Let your best opportunities for a better future as a family lead you.

• Call Their BS. This isn't as bad as it sounds.  You both are bound to encounter things that will upset or bother you.  Instead of stewing over it, be honest with one another and express your feelings.  One of the key lessons in personal and professional life is that people don't know how they are acting until someone makes them aware.  A behavior cannot be adjusted if someone doesn't know they are doing it.  Avoiding those small problems can lead to larger issues if they are prolonged... so, cut the CRAP! ;)

• Never Stop Dreaming.  I am a dreamer.  I am a goal-setter.  I have a vision for the way I want my life and my career to go.  Riley knows this and he knew this before we got married.  I know he is the same way.  He has goals and vision for his career and family 20 years down the road.  The best thing you can do in a marriage is to honor and validate those goals of personal growth and development.  Of course, there will always be unexpected turns, but you will always get where you need to go.  I am so grateful for Riley's hard work and his willingness to allow me to chase my passions.  Support.  Sacrifice.

• FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE.  This one does not need much explanation.  We don't have many big arguments, but of course every couple encounters this.  These arguments tend to come in those brief moments of fatigue, stress, and perhaps even hunger haha.  I know I am one of the most stubborn people, ask Riley and my mom ha.  Of course, this is never a good ingredient in the recipe for getting along.  One of the aspects in our marriage have taken greatest pride in is our ability to recognize our faults and apologize quickly.  Neither of us can go long being upset with one another and it isn't worth it to allow hard feelings to go on.

                                    

I recently started a book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  Her chapters range anywhere from food to friends to family to work.  Possibly one of my favorite chapters is one titled "A Blessing for a Bride."  Here is an excerpt:

"People refer to your wedding day as the best day of your life. I understand why entirely. I remember my wedding day so absolutely clearly. I remember putting on the veil, seeing Aaron’s face for the first time, the heaviness of my dress as I walked down the aisle with my dad. I remember the taste of the champagne and the sound of the band. I remember dancing with Aaron as though it was last night, and it was nearly eight years ago.

This is the thing, though: When people tell you that your wedding day is the best day of your life, what it sort of sounds like they’re saying is that it’s all downhill after the wedding is over. So many pastors make it a point to tell you, right during the ceremony, that it’s all fun and games while you’re wearing the dress and holding the flowers, but that serious business starts when the dancing stops. That’s true, in some ways. Marriage is a serious business, and there’s a lot to marriage that you can’t see from where you’re standing in the front of a church, bridesmaids surrounding you.

Your wedding day will, of course, be an extraordinary day. But on that day, you cannot imagine the beautiful, life-altering, soul-shaping things ahead of you. This is just the beginning. I know you believe that you could not possibly love him more than you do right now. I understand that. I felt that. I was wrong. I’m not an expert on anything, and certainly not on marriage, but I’m here to tell you that what you feel on your wedding day is like dipping your toe in an ocean, and with every passing year, you swim farther and farther from the shore, unable, at a certain point, to see anything but water. This is just the beginning, and you can’t imagine the love that will bloom between you over time.

You will cry together, laugh together, pray and dance and move furniture together. You will learn and unlearn things, make a home together, hurt each other’s feelings without meaning to, and sometimes very much on purpose. You will learn over time that the heart of marriage is forgiveness. You will learn in the first six months how much forgiveness he requires, and then you will realize, in the six months after that, just how much forgiveness you yourself need.

A piece of practical advice: you will not sleep well the night before your wedding. It’s pretty much a fact. Your mind will rattle and shake, full of bizarre fears. You fear that your dress will fall off. It will not. You fear that you did not, in fact, secure a caterer. You did. You will fear, with each passing hour of the night, that your face is puffing up like a sausage and the area under your eyes is becoming blacker than an eight ball. This is not true. You are young, and a good makeup artist can cover a multitude of sins. Wake up a bridesmaid or your mother, make some tea, and let them remind you about the important things: the florist will indeed show up, your crazy uncle probably will hit on your bridesmaids, but they’ll play it off graciously, and most important, you are indeed ready to be a wife.

Part of being a married couple means that you create a new identity together, woven from your experiences and histories and lives. Work hard to become your own family, with your own values and traditions, things you always do, things you never do, things that bring you back to why you fell in love in the first place. Dance to your song in the backyard, wear your wedding shoes every anniversary. Carve out your own history together, little by little, month by month, year by year. Because there will be seasons that are as dry as deserts, and the history of your love for one another will be the water you need to bring new life and growth, turning that season from dust to garden once again.

Today is about the promise of the future and all the great moments of the past and, indeed, this beautiful present where you stand together, surrounded by people who love you and who are praying that your marriage is one of the great ones. It could be, you know, if you work hard and forgive often, and get over yourself and your selfishness over and over again. It could be one of the stories people tell, when they want to believe in love’s power and life’s richness. It could be one that your children and grandchildren tell each other, praying that someday they’ll have a love like yours.

My grandparents celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary this year. They are one of those couples that are living a love story every day, even after sixty years. They went to third grade together, and then Grandma’s family moved away. And when they met again at seventeen, Grandpa swears he remembered that beautiful face from the third grade. They were married at the Justice of the Peace, just before Grandpa left for the Navy. They moved to Hawaii a few years after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Life took them to California for a few years, and then back home to Michigan. At their house in Kalamazoo, Grandpa worked in his shop while Grandma tended her roses, all along the white fence. We watched them slow dance in the kitchen and loved to look through their pictures from Hawaii and their sailing trips. They love to ride bikes together, and for their seventy-fifth birthdays, they took their tandem recumbent bike to Washington, DC, to ride along the Potomac.

On the night of their anniversary party, we had dinner and cake and when we toasted them, essentially, we all said the same thing. We each said our own versions of thank you for having a marriage that gives us something extraordinary to aspire to. Thank you for all the times we caught you kissing in the kitchen and all the times you showed us pictures of your wedding and your years in Hawaii and your sailing trips and bike rides. Thank you for giving us a picture of how we could be, if we work really hard and are very good to one another. Thank you for living with so much love and tenderness and laughter that we have in you a real life picture of how good it can be.

You, my dear friend, will be a bride for one day, but you will, with God’s grace and your own very hard work, be a wife to this man every day for the rest of your life. Being a bride is super-fun, but it pales in comparison to the thrill and beauty of being a part of one of the truly great partnerships, like my grandparents. 

Make your love story one worth telling. 

Make it one worth living, every day, as long as you both shall live."

I love our love.  I love our adventures and I love coming home to you.  Riley, thank you for doing this life with me.

I hope we can always set an example to others as we move forward, as well as continue to be an example to one another.  May we always live in the present and savor these days when it's just you and me (and Jersey of course).  And one day when we look back, I hope our story is worth telling.

Here's to locking that love and throwing away the key.

xoxo

Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

I Don't Understand God Sometimes

I don't understand God.  Sometimes.

(Watch this... like NOW.)

Powerful.  This video sparked so many intense emotions for me a couple weeks ago.  I immediately started this post, but never finished it.  I am finally finishing it in hopes for some therapeutic relief today.  Sometimes things happen where I just have to put thoughts onto paper in hopes of gaining some sort of comprehension.  It may be a bit choppy, but here we go.

Back in 2007, there was a mall shooting only a few miles away from my house in Omaha.  I remember being so angry about the lives that were taken that November.  One man, a father, who was traveling through Omaha on his way back home.  He happened to take the detour to stop at Westwards in hopes of finding gifts for his child(ren).  He happened to be there the same night a young man entered Von Maur and opened fire killing nine people including himself and injured four.

Perhaps it was just too close to home that I really, truly started questioning the existence of God.  It is so easy to question His presence and plan when such tragic events happen in our lives and throughout the world.

Where was God on September 11th, 2001 when 2,977 innocent men, women, children, and rescue workers were tragically ripped from their families in the most horrible way?  

Where is God when some of the best people we know taken away from a brutal illness or a tragic car accident?

Where is God when we a close family friend is on her way home from work and she is brutally murdered at a traffic stop?  

Where is God when a women or child is sexually abused leading to death or lifelong psychological effects?  

Where is God when a mother is given false hope for a child that she later miscarries?

Where is God when a group of terrorists walk into a school and slaughter a classroom of children?

Time and time again, I have searched for these answers.  When the shooting happened in Omaha, I asked where He was and why He allows these things to happen.

A friend shared a scripture with me that I will never forget.  It is from Alma 14.  The believers, including women and children, were burned alive because of their faith.  Yet, it was known that they were immediately sent to the highest glory of heaven and they would stand as a judge against their murderers at the last day.

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.

 9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.

 10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames. 

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

The response?

God is there.  He is there crying with us.  

In moments of our darkest despair and heartache, [I now believe] He is there.  

Conversely, I have been blessed with the best husband, family, and friends anyone could ask for.  This imperfect me has witnessed so many miracles in my life.  Despite my trials, I have had so many moments of pure happiness.  Whether it be as minute as living to see another sunrise, or accomplishing something I worked so hard for, or seeing the face of a newborn baby for the first time, He has been there.  

It is so easy to praise God in the good times, but even easier to question Him in times of trial.

Many of us have been taught to pray for what we desire. Whether it be a new job, passing a test, or making it home safely.  Well guess what?  Not everyone gets their dream job, passes that test, or has a plane that lands safely to their destination.  

Recent events very personal to me have taught me one thing about prayer.  No matter how hard you pray, or how much faith you have that something will go in your favor, you still may not get what you were asking for.  

So, I am changing the way I do prayers.  Instead of praying for those things that I wish to have happen, I will pray for God to provide me with comfort and understanding for however the situation turns out.  In the end, God's Will will always prevail (though sometimes that is interrupted by people's agency).  There is always a reason and always a lesson.  Whether it is in a week or 10 years down the road or at Heaven's gate, He will make it known to us.  

It is important to remember that something that makes life so beautiful are these times of happiness and trial we experience.  Without pain and suffering, we would not know happiness.  I love this scripture from 2 Nephi 2:

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

But just as good times do not last forever, trials will too pass.  

I remember when a friend was going through a breakup, her pain was unbearable.  Someone said, "just how you can't be happy forever, you can't be sad forever either."  

I just love that.  Trials come and go, but God remains constant.  

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for all that is good in my life, even some of the bad.  We are all going through this life together and I know that between them and my Savior, I am never alone.  

Whether we are believers or not, He is watching out for every one of us.  Whether you are religious or not, He hears your prayers, He hears your cries, and He is responding.  Just listen.

I leave you with this:

Big, but small.

Just, but merciful.

Powerful, but tender.

Omnipresent, but personal.

Quiet, but loud.

Servant, but King.

Night and day.

God. Loves. Us.

xoxo

Building from Experience

I find it interesting that no matter what age you are, you always think you have it all figured out.  As young as 16, I still remember feeling as though I was right about my entire perspective on the world.  I have come to realize that even at the age of 25, I still don't.  The world isn't always as it seems, so don't always trust what you think is reality.  I was in for a rude awakening this last winter when some turmoil came about professionally.  Although it is not necessary to divulge the details, I have learned some valuable lessons not only about myself, but about some of the sour aspects of business.

For the longest time, I have wanted to lead a successful career.  Ideas of which path to take have been shaped and molded into so many different directions.  Certain mentors and situations were placed along the way to ultimately lead me to want to pursue a career in energy.  In college, you learn the basics about accounting, marketing, operations, etc, but nothing prepares you for personal interactions in the real world until you are in it.  

As the situation progressed, the truth started to be uncovered and more emotions started to surface.  Not only did the stress put a strain on my schoolwork, but also on personal relationships.  At one moment, I lost confidence in myself as a businesswoman.  How could I not have recognized so much of what was actually happening?  I lost the trust of not only my associates, but of myself.  It was ironic because I was going through a very enlightening leadership course while all this was happening.  It really could not have been better timing because I was able to really learn who I was and how I needed to respond.

Throughout many of the conversations I had with close family and friends, there is still one point that sticks out:

You live and you learn.  It is unfortunate to have been exposed to this side of business at such a young age, but use it to your advantage.  This is all apart of your experience; you are building your resume.  Take what you have learned and grow from it.  

With that, I am have learned to be grateful for this challenge.

• I tend to trust people too much that it is to a fault.  When that trust is broken, the world nearly stops for me.  Be careful with your associations.  Looking back, there were red flags, but because of a strong sense of loyalty and a skewed perspective, I was blinded.  Keep an open mind and have a heightened awareness of what is going on around you.  I ignored the opinions of former colleagues and continued to believe everything was golden.  
• Money can be one of the greatest blessings, but it can be the root of corruption and deception.  Greed is a nasty addiction that can bring bring out the worst in some of the best people.  We have seen it in some of the greatest downfalls in US history including the financial collapse of 2008.  It is amazing to listen to some of the bios of those executives and the humble beginnings they come from and where they ended up.
• In the midst of all the craziness, I knew I could go home and sleep soundly on my pillow each night.  The most important thing I have done when it comes to work is to commit myself acting with the utmost integrity.  In the last month, I have seen some amazing transformations.  There is less negativity, more optimism, and we have been able to build a team built on foundations that one can be proud of.  If there are things you don't agree with, failing to act on what you see is wrong is the same as being the cause of the problem.  
• I have learned that accountability is a rare trait and one that I most admire in leaders.  Someone who can take recognize their faults and mistakes and be willing to face the consequences is an amazing demonstration of a strong character.
• Get to know who you are and what you stand for.  If your actions are not aligning with your values and standards, do something about it.

God is within her, she will not fall.

Thank you to my amazing support system who helped me cope with this little speed bump in this road I am on.  I am anxious to keep moving forward.

Walk the Talk

If your mind carries a heavy burden of past, you will experience more do the same.  The past perpetuates itself through lack of the presence.  The quality of your consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future.

-The Power of Now

Do what is right to rest well at night.

Amen.

Continue in Patience

I am not sure why, but I have always had a soft spot for Elder Uchtdorf.  Even before I joined the church, some of the most powerful messages I remember came from him.  So grateful for conference talks and inspired individuals.

"Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels."

"Patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."

- 

"There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed."

-

"Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer."

-

"Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain."

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"Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

-

"Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich."

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"Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls.  Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls.  Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most."

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"The work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness."

Here's to another chance to get it right.

"A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot, and realize how blessed you are."

Over the last year, I have been extremely touched by some profound events happening in my life which has created a burning desire to record them.  This past year has been full of some amazing experiences with my sweet husband between traveling, enjoying the company of friends and family, and taking care of our energetic puppy.  

Riley is continuing his work at the bank and despite some discouraging moments, he is really enjoying some of the changes that have taken place.  It is incredible how things just tend to work out.  Not necessarily in the way we imagine, but we have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason.  We are forever grateful for the people he has the opportunity to work under and side-by-side as Riley continues to grow as a banker and a leader.  He is the hardest worker I know and I am grateful for his example.

There is nothing more important to me than education and I am grateful for my family's support as I started my masters program in 2013.  I had been seeking out the Global Energy Management program in Denver for almost two years, so to be accepted and have the opportunity to be among some extremely intelligent and accomplished individuals has been a rewarding experience.  The best feeling when you are sitting in your first day listening to the professor's overview of the course and just knowing this is where you need to be.  The energy industry is in a pivotal moment right now and I want to be a part of shaping its future.  My courses have pushed me to limits I never thought I was capable of and I look forward to the next year.  Most of all, I am so very grateful for the support that Riley provides while pursuing my goals.  

This isn't to say that 2013 didn't pose just as many challenges.  Over the last couple years, my faith as been tested to the extreme.  Slowly, we are learning to overcome certain challenges that have come our way, whether it be with work, school, family or friends.  I am so lucky to have married the man that I did.  He is my rock and my voice of reason, while also the supporter of my dreams.  Riley continues to amaze me with his optimism, even in the darkest of days.  Not to mention, the constant support from my sweet mother, sister, and in-laws.  In particular, my father-in-law.  With the absence of my father for the last three years, I have been so grateful for my relationship with Rick and his advice.

Unlike 2012, I was blessed to have the health that I did in 2013.  Many of my close family and friends understand the extreme difficulties I went through with my chronic staph infection.  Due to my fight with this infection, I can truly say I hit moments of my life that I would consider rock bottom.  They are moments that I pray I will never have to go back to ever again, nor would I ever wish it upon my worst of enemies.  I am grateful to have so many angels in my life who provided strength and encouragement, as well as never giving up on finding a cure.  I have my mother-in-law to thank for discovering the treatment that has broken what I would call "the curse."  I am currently preparing a post about my experience with my staph that I will post at a later date.  

There is so much more I could share, but overall, it has been a great year.  So many things are changing around us, but I know we are right where we need to be.  I am looking forward to continuing our journey into 2014.

Happy New Year!