I Don't Understand God Sometimes

I don't understand God.  Sometimes.

(Watch this... like NOW.)

Powerful.  This video sparked so many intense emotions for me a couple weeks ago.  I immediately started this post, but never finished it.  I am finally finishing it in hopes for some therapeutic relief today.  Sometimes things happen where I just have to put thoughts onto paper in hopes of gaining some sort of comprehension.  It may be a bit choppy, but here we go.

Back in 2007, there was a mall shooting only a few miles away from my house in Omaha.  I remember being so angry about the lives that were taken that November.  One man, a father, who was traveling through Omaha on his way back home.  He happened to take the detour to stop at Westwards in hopes of finding gifts for his child(ren).  He happened to be there the same night a young man entered Von Maur and opened fire killing nine people including himself and injured four.

Perhaps it was just too close to home that I really, truly started questioning the existence of God.  It is so easy to question His presence and plan when such tragic events happen in our lives and throughout the world.

Where was God on September 11th, 2001 when 2,977 innocent men, women, children, and rescue workers were tragically ripped from their families in the most horrible way?  

Where is God when some of the best people we know taken away from a brutal illness or a tragic car accident?

Where is God when we a close family friend is on her way home from work and she is brutally murdered at a traffic stop?  

Where is God when a women or child is sexually abused leading to death or lifelong psychological effects?  

Where is God when a mother is given false hope for a child that she later miscarries?

Where is God when a group of terrorists walk into a school and slaughter a classroom of children?

Time and time again, I have searched for these answers.  When the shooting happened in Omaha, I asked where He was and why He allows these things to happen.

A friend shared a scripture with me that I will never forget.  It is from Alma 14.  The believers, including women and children, were burned alive because of their faith.  Yet, it was known that they were immediately sent to the highest glory of heaven and they would stand as a judge against their murderers at the last day.

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.

 9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.

 10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames. 

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

The response?

God is there.  He is there crying with us.  

In moments of our darkest despair and heartache, [I now believe] He is there.  

Conversely, I have been blessed with the best husband, family, and friends anyone could ask for.  This imperfect me has witnessed so many miracles in my life.  Despite my trials, I have had so many moments of pure happiness.  Whether it be as minute as living to see another sunrise, or accomplishing something I worked so hard for, or seeing the face of a newborn baby for the first time, He has been there.  

It is so easy to praise God in the good times, but even easier to question Him in times of trial.

Many of us have been taught to pray for what we desire. Whether it be a new job, passing a test, or making it home safely.  Well guess what?  Not everyone gets their dream job, passes that test, or has a plane that lands safely to their destination.  

Recent events very personal to me have taught me one thing about prayer.  No matter how hard you pray, or how much faith you have that something will go in your favor, you still may not get what you were asking for.  

So, I am changing the way I do prayers.  Instead of praying for those things that I wish to have happen, I will pray for God to provide me with comfort and understanding for however the situation turns out.  In the end, God's Will will always prevail (though sometimes that is interrupted by people's agency).  There is always a reason and always a lesson.  Whether it is in a week or 10 years down the road or at Heaven's gate, He will make it known to us.  

It is important to remember that something that makes life so beautiful are these times of happiness and trial we experience.  Without pain and suffering, we would not know happiness.  I love this scripture from 2 Nephi 2:

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

But just as good times do not last forever, trials will too pass.  

I remember when a friend was going through a breakup, her pain was unbearable.  Someone said, "just how you can't be happy forever, you can't be sad forever either."  

I just love that.  Trials come and go, but God remains constant.  

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for all that is good in my life, even some of the bad.  We are all going through this life together and I know that between them and my Savior, I am never alone.  

Whether we are believers or not, He is watching out for every one of us.  Whether you are religious or not, He hears your prayers, He hears your cries, and He is responding.  Just listen.

I leave you with this:

Big, but small.

Just, but merciful.

Powerful, but tender.

Omnipresent, but personal.

Quiet, but loud.

Servant, but King.

Night and day.

God. Loves. Us.

xoxo

Everlasting Beginnings

I thought I would go ahead and post with all the other LDS General Conference trending topics today... Ha.  I ca only imagine the general authorities meeting after conference looking at their phones and competing who had the most popular quotes throughout Twitter, FB, and Instagram haha!

In all seriousness, I really did love this conference.  Perhaps it's because over the last couple years we have always found excuses not to listen, especially on Saturdays.  This weekend was different and there were so many messages that I needed to hear.

Besides from President Monson, I genuinely just love President Uchtdorf.  I established a connection during his April 2008 talk right before I was baptized.  He had recently been called as a counselor in the First Presidency that February.  He spoke of the "Faith of Our Father" and those converts who serve as trailblazers for generations to come.  He has an amazing story and I always look forward to hearing his talks.  I must say, he was on point this weekend, as always!

That same conference was when my desire to be baptized was confirmed.  I will never forget Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk "Born Again."  He stated, "As you continue in the path of spiritual rebirth, the atoning grace of Jesus christ will take away your sins and the stain of those sins in you, temptations will lose their appeal, and through Christ you will become holy, as He and our Heavenly Father are holy."  I know that I feel the Spirit of Christ in my life at that time.  As I continued to seek that spirit, temptations I once had were gone.  I was a pretty "good girl'' anyway, but this made the transition so much easier.

It is so true that there is a message for everyone and every circumstance in these talks.  Here are some of my favorites from this conference:

"There is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin, which Christ had the infinite capacity to do, and the warning against condoning it, which he never did even once.  That pure Christlike love flowing from true righteousness can change the world because righteousness accompanies it."

"Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion, but defend them."

-Jeffery R. Holland

I love this.  So many of us tend to be quick to judgment and anger when it comes to defending our beliefs.  We are not all the same.  Defend your beliefs, but do it in a way that is not offensive towards others.  Instead of pushing them away, try to understand their perspective.  While doing so, invite them to understand yours.  We are never all going to agree in one thing, but we can be courteous about understanding and respecting all beliefs.

"How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God there is rain?"

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Man, do I wish I could have recognized this during some of the challenges I've faced over the last few years!  Be grateful always and find joy in the journey.  In the end, there will always be a lesson learned.

"As we arise each morning, let us determine to respond with more love and kindness to whatever might come our way."

-Thomas S. Monson

The decision is ours.

"One of my medical faculty colleagues chastised me for failing to separate my professional knowledge from my religious convictions.  He demanded that I not combine the two.  How could I do that? Truth is truth.  It is not divisible and any part of it cannot be set aside...  All truth emanates from God...  I was being asked to hide my faith.  I did not comply with my colleagues' request.  I let my faith show."

-Elder Russell M. Nelson

No matter what setting you are in, do all things according to your convictions.  Stand as an example to others and don't be succumbed by falsities, even if they are popular.

"We are eternal begins; endings are not our destiny... In His Plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I am grateful for the peace General Conference brings and the opportunity to hear the words of these inspired men.  They bring so much comfort as we all continue to seek guidance in this life.

Continue in Patience

I am not sure why, but I have always had a soft spot for Elder Uchtdorf.  Even before I joined the church, some of the most powerful messages I remember came from him.  So grateful for conference talks and inspired individuals.

"Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels."

"Patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."

- 

"There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed."

-

"Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.  Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer."

-

"Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain."

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"Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

-

"Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich."

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"Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls.  Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls.  Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most."

-

"The work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness."

Queen without her Crown

I miss being young and having a skewed perception of the world.  The older I get, the more I realize it is full of liars, cheats, and hypocrites.  To say the world is perfect is naive, so focus on the positive and all that matters is who I choose to be.

The last couple years have been a struggle for me when it comes to my spirituality.  Since living in Utah, I have witnessed some things that have made it difficult for me to keep the faith.  Between my health and personal and professional experiences, a lot of what once was there has been lost.  It is not something that I could control as much as it is just taking the time to heal and find my way back to what I know is right.

If you don't know, I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was baptized in May of 2008 and could not be happier about the missionaries and support group that surrounded me in Omaha.  I have endless amounts of respect for those who led by example and practiced what they preached.  Needless to say, I was not prepared for the culture shock when I arrived in Utah.  

Let me first start off by saying that nearly all of the members here are incredible.  I have made lifelong friendships that I will forever cherish, particularly my sweet roommates and other girls from USU.

Yes, there are members who are no longer practicing, which is completely normal in any religion.  However, it is the people who preach one day, yet do the opposite outside of church.  The amount of hypocrisy that I have seen has significantly impacted my spirituality and, sadly, has gotten the best of me.  I would much rather there be 1,000 inactives than 1 hypocrite.  This isn't to say that I am perfect, but man have I tried.  I like to think of myself as a person with a great deal of integrity.  Seldom do I not tell the truth, no matter how bad the consequences may be for me.  I am a God-fearing woman who knows when I make mistakes and I take accountability.  Unfortunately, I cannot say that for others I have come in contact with.

A long series of events occurred where I got to a point where I could not longer get on one knee anymore and I couldn't feel that warm feeling when I went to the temple.  The temple seemed tarnished by those who were committing serious sins, yet still receiving the many blessings that I had to work so hard to obtain.  The light I once saw became dim.  

I call 2013 my "healing" year, on both physical and spiritual levels.  Towards the end of the year, I reached a turning point when the truth started coming back to me.  Certain things were not happening the way I wanted so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Through a combination of different experiences, I decided to take a trip back to the temple with Riley.  When I say I surprised him, I more just didn't tell him until an hour before so not to disappoint him if I backed out.  That temple trip sparked some familiar feelings in me that I missed for so long.

I also discovered Al Fox, the "tattooed Mormon" who is a convert and has told her story throughout the world.  Her testimony is extremely inspiring and her faith is incredible.  She is such an amazing example of strength despite the hurtful words she has received because of her appearance.  Whether you are a convert, a life-long member, or non-denominational, check out her blog.

The most important event was our call to teach the Temple Prep class.  I haven't had a calling since this last summer when I asked to be released from Young Women's.  I loved the girls and other teachers, but between work and school, I didn't feel like I could pay an adequate amount of attention and maintain that example to the young women.  Today was my first time with Riley teaching Temple Prep.  I am so anxious to be there every week as we come closer to one another by attending and speaking more of the temple.  The importance the temple has in our lives is far greater than any of those people who broken my spirit.

The title of my blog "Queen without a Crown" comes from a Matisyahu song lyric:

"You're looking for help from God you say he couldn't be found,

Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground,

Like a King without his Crown,

Yes, I wanna get down,

A King without his Crown,

Yes, you keep fallin' down."

It means "man without his God" and how a man without his God is spiritually never going to win.  I want to remind myself every day of the way I feel when I am not constantly striving to wear that "Crown".  I felt that for nineteen years of my life and I don't want to be without it any longer.

The last two years have taught me a great lesson (one which my friend told me often, but I just wouldn't listen at the time): don't let others' actions affect your happiness.  This is so true.  I was allowing others' hypocrisy create an obstacle to obtain my own blessings and personal revelation.  Just a couple weeks ago, there was a picture circulating the internet that made me laugh, but it is so true:

I am not an expert, nor do I consider myself to be very "wise", but I do have some advice for others:

• Be true to yourself and to your God.  
• Find your own individual happiness within your religion.  Whether you are Jewish, Muslim, or Christian, serve and be involved because it is your choice, not because you are trying to meet others' expectations.
• Remember that others' are constantly watching and learning from you.  Whether they are children, converts, or non-members, they are counting on you to lead the way.  Be the example that lifts the spirits of others.  When you fall, fall with dignity and own up to your mistakes.  
• Choose your words wisely.  You most likely don't know the battles others are fighting silently.  Conversely, when someone does not choose their words wisely, choose not to be offended.  If you are, practice forgiveness.  Accept others' in their weaknesses and understand that no one is perfect.
• Surround yourself with those who lift you higher and bring you happiness.
• Don't allow others' hypocrisy to corrupt your relationship with God.  Remember: the church is perfect, the people are not. 

I love this quote by Joseph B. Wirthlin:

"The Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thought, or have perfect feelings.  The Church is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to our heavenly Father."  

Most importantly, I must give much credit of my strength and the ability to get over this so-called "hump" to Riley.  He is my rock and his faithfulness inspires me to better myself every day.  During our times of trial, he knows just what to say, when to say it, and when to be silent.  I believe that Riley and I got to where we are today because we were following the Commandments, promptings from the Holy Ghost, and keeping in constant communication with our Heavenly Father.  I know that as we move forward, we will continue to see the blessings happen in our lives and in the lives of those around us.