Queen without her Crown

I miss being young and having a skewed perception of the world.  The older I get, the more I realize it is full of liars, cheats, and hypocrites.  To say the world is perfect is naive, so focus on the positive and all that matters is who I choose to be.

The last couple years have been a struggle for me when it comes to my spirituality.  Since living in Utah, I have witnessed some things that have made it difficult for me to keep the faith.  Between my health and personal and professional experiences, a lot of what once was there has been lost.  It is not something that I could control as much as it is just taking the time to heal and find my way back to what I know is right.

If you don't know, I am a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was baptized in May of 2008 and could not be happier about the missionaries and support group that surrounded me in Omaha.  I have endless amounts of respect for those who led by example and practiced what they preached.  Needless to say, I was not prepared for the culture shock when I arrived in Utah.  

Let me first start off by saying that nearly all of the members here are incredible.  I have made lifelong friendships that I will forever cherish, particularly my sweet roommates and other girls from USU.

Yes, there are members who are no longer practicing, which is completely normal in any religion.  However, it is the people who preach one day, yet do the opposite outside of church.  The amount of hypocrisy that I have seen has significantly impacted my spirituality and, sadly, has gotten the best of me.  I would much rather there be 1,000 inactives than 1 hypocrite.  This isn't to say that I am perfect, but man have I tried.  I like to think of myself as a person with a great deal of integrity.  Seldom do I not tell the truth, no matter how bad the consequences may be for me.  I am a God-fearing woman who knows when I make mistakes and I take accountability.  Unfortunately, I cannot say that for others I have come in contact with.

A long series of events occurred where I got to a point where I could not longer get on one knee anymore and I couldn't feel that warm feeling when I went to the temple.  The temple seemed tarnished by those who were committing serious sins, yet still receiving the many blessings that I had to work so hard to obtain.  The light I once saw became dim.  

I call 2013 my "healing" year, on both physical and spiritual levels.  Towards the end of the year, I reached a turning point when the truth started coming back to me.  Certain things were not happening the way I wanted so I decided to take matters into my own hands.  Through a combination of different experiences, I decided to take a trip back to the temple with Riley.  When I say I surprised him, I more just didn't tell him until an hour before so not to disappoint him if I backed out.  That temple trip sparked some familiar feelings in me that I missed for so long.

I also discovered Al Fox, the "tattooed Mormon" who is a convert and has told her story throughout the world.  Her testimony is extremely inspiring and her faith is incredible.  She is such an amazing example of strength despite the hurtful words she has received because of her appearance.  Whether you are a convert, a life-long member, or non-denominational, check out her blog.

The most important event was our call to teach the Temple Prep class.  I haven't had a calling since this last summer when I asked to be released from Young Women's.  I loved the girls and other teachers, but between work and school, I didn't feel like I could pay an adequate amount of attention and maintain that example to the young women.  Today was my first time with Riley teaching Temple Prep.  I am so anxious to be there every week as we come closer to one another by attending and speaking more of the temple.  The importance the temple has in our lives is far greater than any of those people who broken my spirit.

The title of my blog "Queen without a Crown" comes from a Matisyahu song lyric:

"You're looking for help from God you say he couldn't be found,

Looking up to the sky and searchin' beneath the ground,

Like a King without his Crown,

Yes, I wanna get down,

A King without his Crown,

Yes, you keep fallin' down."

It means "man without his God" and how a man without his God is spiritually never going to win.  I want to remind myself every day of the way I feel when I am not constantly striving to wear that "Crown".  I felt that for nineteen years of my life and I don't want to be without it any longer.

The last two years have taught me a great lesson (one which my friend told me often, but I just wouldn't listen at the time): don't let others' actions affect your happiness.  This is so true.  I was allowing others' hypocrisy create an obstacle to obtain my own blessings and personal revelation.  Just a couple weeks ago, there was a picture circulating the internet that made me laugh, but it is so true:

I am not an expert, nor do I consider myself to be very "wise", but I do have some advice for others:

• Be true to yourself and to your God.  
• Find your own individual happiness within your religion.  Whether you are Jewish, Muslim, or Christian, serve and be involved because it is your choice, not because you are trying to meet others' expectations.
• Remember that others' are constantly watching and learning from you.  Whether they are children, converts, or non-members, they are counting on you to lead the way.  Be the example that lifts the spirits of others.  When you fall, fall with dignity and own up to your mistakes.  
• Choose your words wisely.  You most likely don't know the battles others are fighting silently.  Conversely, when someone does not choose their words wisely, choose not to be offended.  If you are, practice forgiveness.  Accept others' in their weaknesses and understand that no one is perfect.
• Surround yourself with those who lift you higher and bring you happiness.
• Don't allow others' hypocrisy to corrupt your relationship with God.  Remember: the church is perfect, the people are not. 

I love this quote by Joseph B. Wirthlin:

"The Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or have perfect thought, or have perfect feelings.  The Church is a place where imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each other as we press on in our journey to our heavenly Father."  

Most importantly, I must give much credit of my strength and the ability to get over this so-called "hump" to Riley.  He is my rock and his faithfulness inspires me to better myself every day.  During our times of trial, he knows just what to say, when to say it, and when to be silent.  I believe that Riley and I got to where we are today because we were following the Commandments, promptings from the Holy Ghost, and keeping in constant communication with our Heavenly Father.  I know that as we move forward, we will continue to see the blessings happen in our lives and in the lives of those around us.