I Don't Understand God Sometimes

I don't understand God.  Sometimes.

(Watch this... like NOW.)

Powerful.  This video sparked so many intense emotions for me a couple weeks ago.  I immediately started this post, but never finished it.  I am finally finishing it in hopes for some therapeutic relief today.  Sometimes things happen where I just have to put thoughts onto paper in hopes of gaining some sort of comprehension.  It may be a bit choppy, but here we go.

Back in 2007, there was a mall shooting only a few miles away from my house in Omaha.  I remember being so angry about the lives that were taken that November.  One man, a father, who was traveling through Omaha on his way back home.  He happened to take the detour to stop at Westwards in hopes of finding gifts for his child(ren).  He happened to be there the same night a young man entered Von Maur and opened fire killing nine people including himself and injured four.

Perhaps it was just too close to home that I really, truly started questioning the existence of God.  It is so easy to question His presence and plan when such tragic events happen in our lives and throughout the world.

Where was God on September 11th, 2001 when 2,977 innocent men, women, children, and rescue workers were tragically ripped from their families in the most horrible way?  

Where is God when some of the best people we know taken away from a brutal illness or a tragic car accident?

Where is God when we a close family friend is on her way home from work and she is brutally murdered at a traffic stop?  

Where is God when a women or child is sexually abused leading to death or lifelong psychological effects?  

Where is God when a mother is given false hope for a child that she later miscarries?

Where is God when a group of terrorists walk into a school and slaughter a classroom of children?

Time and time again, I have searched for these answers.  When the shooting happened in Omaha, I asked where He was and why He allows these things to happen.

A friend shared a scripture with me that I will never forget.  It is from Alma 14.  The believers, including women and children, were burned alive because of their faith.  Yet, it was known that they were immediately sent to the highest glory of heaven and they would stand as a judge against their murderers at the last day.

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.

 9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.

 10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames. 

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

The response?

God is there.  He is there crying with us.  

In moments of our darkest despair and heartache, [I now believe] He is there.  

Conversely, I have been blessed with the best husband, family, and friends anyone could ask for.  This imperfect me has witnessed so many miracles in my life.  Despite my trials, I have had so many moments of pure happiness.  Whether it be as minute as living to see another sunrise, or accomplishing something I worked so hard for, or seeing the face of a newborn baby for the first time, He has been there.  

It is so easy to praise God in the good times, but even easier to question Him in times of trial.

Many of us have been taught to pray for what we desire. Whether it be a new job, passing a test, or making it home safely.  Well guess what?  Not everyone gets their dream job, passes that test, or has a plane that lands safely to their destination.  

Recent events very personal to me have taught me one thing about prayer.  No matter how hard you pray, or how much faith you have that something will go in your favor, you still may not get what you were asking for.  

So, I am changing the way I do prayers.  Instead of praying for those things that I wish to have happen, I will pray for God to provide me with comfort and understanding for however the situation turns out.  In the end, God's Will will always prevail (though sometimes that is interrupted by people's agency).  There is always a reason and always a lesson.  Whether it is in a week or 10 years down the road or at Heaven's gate, He will make it known to us.  

It is important to remember that something that makes life so beautiful are these times of happiness and trial we experience.  Without pain and suffering, we would not know happiness.  I love this scripture from 2 Nephi 2:

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

But just as good times do not last forever, trials will too pass.  

I remember when a friend was going through a breakup, her pain was unbearable.  Someone said, "just how you can't be happy forever, you can't be sad forever either."  

I just love that.  Trials come and go, but God remains constant.  

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for all that is good in my life, even some of the bad.  We are all going through this life together and I know that between them and my Savior, I am never alone.  

Whether we are believers or not, He is watching out for every one of us.  Whether you are religious or not, He hears your prayers, He hears your cries, and He is responding.  Just listen.

I leave you with this:

Big, but small.

Just, but merciful.

Powerful, but tender.

Omnipresent, but personal.

Quiet, but loud.

Servant, but King.

Night and day.

God. Loves. Us.

xoxo