I Don't Understand God Sometimes

I don't understand God.  Sometimes.

(Watch this... like NOW.)

Powerful.  This video sparked so many intense emotions for me a couple weeks ago.  I immediately started this post, but never finished it.  I am finally finishing it in hopes for some therapeutic relief today.  Sometimes things happen where I just have to put thoughts onto paper in hopes of gaining some sort of comprehension.  It may be a bit choppy, but here we go.

Back in 2007, there was a mall shooting only a few miles away from my house in Omaha.  I remember being so angry about the lives that were taken that November.  One man, a father, who was traveling through Omaha on his way back home.  He happened to take the detour to stop at Westwards in hopes of finding gifts for his child(ren).  He happened to be there the same night a young man entered Von Maur and opened fire killing nine people including himself and injured four.

Perhaps it was just too close to home that I really, truly started questioning the existence of God.  It is so easy to question His presence and plan when such tragic events happen in our lives and throughout the world.

Where was God on September 11th, 2001 when 2,977 innocent men, women, children, and rescue workers were tragically ripped from their families in the most horrible way?  

Where is God when some of the best people we know taken away from a brutal illness or a tragic car accident?

Where is God when we a close family friend is on her way home from work and she is brutally murdered at a traffic stop?  

Where is God when a women or child is sexually abused leading to death or lifelong psychological effects?  

Where is God when a mother is given false hope for a child that she later miscarries?

Where is God when a group of terrorists walk into a school and slaughter a classroom of children?

Time and time again, I have searched for these answers.  When the shooting happened in Omaha, I asked where He was and why He allows these things to happen.

A friend shared a scripture with me that I will never forget.  It is from Alma 14.  The believers, including women and children, were burned alive because of their faith.  Yet, it was known that they were immediately sent to the highest glory of heaven and they would stand as a judge against their murderers at the last day.

8 And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.

 9 And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire.

 10 And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames. 

11 But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day.

The response?

God is there.  He is there crying with us.  

In moments of our darkest despair and heartache, [I now believe] He is there.  

Conversely, I have been blessed with the best husband, family, and friends anyone could ask for.  This imperfect me has witnessed so many miracles in my life.  Despite my trials, I have had so many moments of pure happiness.  Whether it be as minute as living to see another sunrise, or accomplishing something I worked so hard for, or seeing the face of a newborn baby for the first time, He has been there.  

It is so easy to praise God in the good times, but even easier to question Him in times of trial.

Many of us have been taught to pray for what we desire. Whether it be a new job, passing a test, or making it home safely.  Well guess what?  Not everyone gets their dream job, passes that test, or has a plane that lands safely to their destination.  

Recent events very personal to me have taught me one thing about prayer.  No matter how hard you pray, or how much faith you have that something will go in your favor, you still may not get what you were asking for.  

So, I am changing the way I do prayers.  Instead of praying for those things that I wish to have happen, I will pray for God to provide me with comfort and understanding for however the situation turns out.  In the end, God's Will will always prevail (though sometimes that is interrupted by people's agency).  There is always a reason and always a lesson.  Whether it is in a week or 10 years down the road or at Heaven's gate, He will make it known to us.  

It is important to remember that something that makes life so beautiful are these times of happiness and trial we experience.  Without pain and suffering, we would not know happiness.  I love this scripture from 2 Nephi 2:

23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

But just as good times do not last forever, trials will too pass.  

I remember when a friend was going through a breakup, her pain was unbearable.  Someone said, "just how you can't be happy forever, you can't be sad forever either."  

I just love that.  Trials come and go, but God remains constant.  

I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for all that is good in my life, even some of the bad.  We are all going through this life together and I know that between them and my Savior, I am never alone.  

Whether we are believers or not, He is watching out for every one of us.  Whether you are religious or not, He hears your prayers, He hears your cries, and He is responding.  Just listen.

I leave you with this:

Big, but small.

Just, but merciful.

Powerful, but tender.

Omnipresent, but personal.

Quiet, but loud.

Servant, but King.

Night and day.

God. Loves. Us.

xoxo

With all my love and gratitude, Jen Keller, MS

Wow, I am officially finished with graduate school!  At times I thought it would never end, but now that it has passed, it went by way too quick.  Bittersweet for sure.  I won't complain though, it has been so nice to have my nights and weekends back!  This past month has been busy with the holidays and vacation, but it is finally slowing down... And that is perfectly okay with me!

A lot of people have been curious about where my interest in the industry began and why I chose this particular program.  Honestly, I have to owe my interest in energy to my dad.  All growing up, he always fascinated me with his latest and greatest technologies from small wind turbines that powered his business to the first generation Toyota Prius.  The idea of clean energy technology and reducing our carbon footprint just made sense to me.

In my final year at Utah State, I really started to think about where I wanted my career to take me.  Pending a Bachelors in Business Administration, I really did not have a particular expertise i.e. accounting, marketing, finance, etc.  I was fortunate enough to have a marketing professor that helped me come to the realization of what I was truly passionate about... Energy.

Ed was a marketing professor and a documentary filmmaker that produced Wind Uprising and, more recently, Scaling Wind.  He co-authored a publication called "Green Marketing Myopia" that actually came up later in my graduate marketing class.  He is a advocate for wind and clean energy here in the state of Utah.  I always looked up to him because not only was he an amazing teacher, but he also demonstrated an ability to promote change for a more sustainable way of life.  

I still remember the conversation I had in his office about pursuing a career in energy.  Wow, I really could turn an interest I had growing up into a career path?  I knew I wanted to go on to get my Masters, so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to pick a program that emphasizes in the industry.  I my opinion, regular MBA's have become too saturated and I wanted something that would be a little more unique.

That is when I found the program at the University of Colorado Denver.  The degree is a Masters in Global Energy Management.  In short, it is basically an MBA, but all the courses are focused on the energy industry i.e. energy accounting, energy finance, energy marketing, etc.  Compared to other energy programs, it covered the industry as a whole- everywhere from oil and gas to renewables and energy efficiency.  Perfect.

After Utah State, I was fortunate enough to get a job that brought Riley and I down to sunny St. George working with energy efficiency.  Insulation may not seem that exciting, but it is the first step toward reducing our carbon footprint.  What good is a solar system when the home or building it is powering is not already bundled up?  I worked for about a year before I started prepping for school.  During that period, I was involved with a biodiesel project which significantly broadened my perspective and experience.

In the spring of 2013, I was accepted to the program I had been working so hard to get into to and I started as apart of Cohort X July.  It was extremely challenging to get back into the swing of things, especially writing!!  Wow, it was as if I has never written an essay in my life!  Not to mention, my nights and weekends got pretty packed... pretty quick!

I have the utmost respect for my professors, most, if not all, were/are professionals in the industry.  There is a significant difference between those who teach and those who have truly walked the walk so they can talk the talk.  They were just the right amount of challenging- you may have cried from the workload, but man, you learned a lot.  I am grateful to have been exposed to their knowledge and expertise over the 18-month period.

I can't talk about the program without talking about my classmates because they played a crucial role in my learning experience at GEM.  Our class time in Denver was a true melting pot of bright minds coming together to learn and share experiences.  We came from all different fields- oil & gas, utilities, renewables, energy efficiency, etc- with different expertise- operations, analytics, sales, production, etc-and even from different countries- US, Canada, China, and Mexico.  When this melting pot came together, there was no doubt there would be some intense debates.  Of course, these were always in the spirit of good learning and an attempt to understand one another's views.  Most all of our coursework was done in groups and we spent countless nights on video conference.  Together, we all got through it.  I cannot explain how grateful I am for the people I encountered every day and the relationships that were formed.  I anxiously await our future reunions!

Shoutout to my Joules!  Love these ladies!

I have heard the criticism over and over that a degree is "just a piece of paper."  Well, I know it is more than that.  Beyond that piece of paper lies amazing people, increased knowledge, a demonstration that you can do hard things, and a better chance for a more secure future.

Now that the program is over, I wanted to record of few valuable lessons I learned:

1. Develop, Nourish, and Expand Your "Ecosystem"

This lesson was taught by one of my favorite professors, the only and only, Herb.  Our ecosystem is everything and everyone we encounter in our daily  lives.  This could be our family, our church, our job, our mentors, professional organizations we are apart of, volunteer opportunities, newspapers and magazines we read, etc. Herb stressed the importance of expanding your ecosystem  to add to your knowledge and experience.  Surely, we have all heard about the crucial role networking plays in our professional lives- it's all about who we know, right?  Since graduation, I have actively sought out new groups to join, read books that will help me become a more effective leader, etc.

"It is very crucial, in the modern world, to build these ecosystems. Synergy with the partners within the ecosystem will allow you to not only achieve the current goals, but also in a long run create a perpetual motion machine of ideas, projects and positive energy."

2. Know Yourself First

This is something that I wrote about in the past, but it is worth talking about again.  In order to be an effective leader and manage others, it is important to take a step back and truly understand the self first.  In other words, you have to know yourself before you can lead those around you.  Through a variety of self-assessments, we can gain some insight into the type of person we are and how we communicate with others.  Another important aspect to this is continually receiving feedback from others.  The responses you get can be extremely valuable.  Whether you are giving a presentation, involved in a negotiation, or implementing a new product line, feedback should always be solicited to develop a better understanding of our strengths and how we can bolster our weaknesses in the future.

If everyone truly understood their "True Self" and those around them, we would all be more effective communicators.  The more we know, the more potential we have to grow.

3. Energy Balancing Act

In the spring of 2011, I had the opportunity to attend the Renewable Energy Conference in SLC.  The conference was packed with valuable information about technology, finance, and legal aspects regarding renewable sources such as solar, wind, geothermal, biomass, algae, etc.  Every presenter and advocate gave their all to sell you on why their resource was the best.  This is understandable when trying to sell a product, but one thing that I took out of this conference was how divided the industry is.  After the solar guys gave their presentation, the wind guys made sure to denounce why solar is not feasible.  

Of course, there is not one end-all-be-all sustainable, clean option.  If there was, everyone else would be wiped out by now.  The truth is, what the future of industry needs is a mix resources to help balance the pros and cons of each.  Oil and gas are finite resources, the sun doesn't always shine, and the wind doesn't always blow.  

Instead of constantly bringing one another down, it is vital to have an open, honest mind about the resources that are available to us and the new technologies coming online.  The only way to create a sustainable, economical way of life for future generations is if we all work together.  

Our cohort demonstrated this by being open to one another's ideas and taking a holistic approach to certain situations.  As I mentioned before, we all came in with different views about fossil fuels and renewable, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we walked out with a different or broadened point-of-view about the "other side."

4. Why Energy?

This morning, I woke up to the alarm clock on my phone charging on the wall, took a hot shower, heated my breakfast in the toaster oven, and had light with just a flip of the switch.  I went to work where I conducted business on my computer, communicated on the phone, and drove to complete different errands.  I ate food and wore clothing that were produced and transported from areas around the nation and even the world.  

So why choose the energy industry?  Energy fuels the way we go about our daily lives and global economic development.  In order to continue growing and nurturing a flourishing economy, we must find ways to consume more efficiently.

There are still many issues that face the industry today that leaders of tomorrow will need to solve: environmental concerns, economic issues, energy security and stability, energy accessibility, the talent gap, conservation, etc.  

I love the industry because the integral role it plays in people's lives around the world.  The opportunities to make a large impact on future generations are plentiful.

5. Never Stop Learning

I've said it before and I will say it again... I love school.  I really struggled when I graduated from USU because I didn't feel like I was progressing.  My thirst for more knowledge grew steadily.  It drives me insane when people exclude themselves from watching the news or reading the newspaper, but in order to grow a business in today's environment, you must understand what is happening around you.  By remaining updated on these current events, we can more effectively anticipate, strategize, and capitalize on certain issues.

As I have matured in my educational, personal, and professional experiences, I have been able to understand how I can continue to progress post-graduation.  Since graduation, I have finished two books and I am moving on to the third.  I understand the importance of continual improvement and self-education whether it is becoming an expert in my field, enhancing my leadership capabilities, or becoming a better wife and friend... It can never stop.

"Never stop learning because life never stops teaching."

                                                        -Unknown

Finally, I want to thank all my family and friends that supported me during my time in school.  I may have been late on a few birthday gifts here and there, or I may have missed some fun outings, but I am grateful for everyone's understanding.  Thank you mom and Laura for the endless amounts of Starbuck gift cards that got me through late-night studying.  By the way, you can still keep them coming!! ;)

Last but not least, I need to thank my husband.  What an incredible support he was from start to finish.  Not only was he my shoulder to cry on when I thought I would fail finance and law, but he always picked up at home where I left off.  Through this experience, he has demonstrated how extremely patient, loving, and devoted he really is.  Thanks for sticking by me and rooting me on every step of the way.  I couldn't do this life without you.

Whatever you do in life, decide what you want, set goals, and go out there and make it happen.

With all my love and gratitude,

Jen Keller, MS