F I V E

Five years, huh?  It feels like just yesterday that Riley and I were making that 90-minute drive from Pocatello to Logan every weekend.  Making that commute was tedious at times, but looking back, those were the best days.

Riley and I have known each other going on ten years now and I love him more now than ever.  It's so crazy to think about how we came together.  All the events that had to align just right to meet one another in Omaha during the summer of '06.  Although we weren't aware of it then, I would like to think that this whole thing, me and Riley, were meant to be.  I like those sappy love stories, I believe in fate, and that we all have other half.  If you haven't found him/her yet, just know it took four years for me to realize Riley was that other half.

These last four years have been full of ups and downs, lefts and rights and through it all, Riley has been my rock.  I didn't realize it until I was married how grateful I am to have a companion, someone who will be by my side no matter what the season, someone I can vent to, someone to share my insecurities with, someone I can share my hopes and dreams, and someone I can be completely vulnerable towards.  I can't even imagine what it would be like without him.

I am not going to go into that mushy gushy stuff, because let's be honest, I have done a lot of that on this blog already ha!!  But I do want to share some of the things that I have learned along the way.  I hope this resonates with those who will or have already embarked on the incredible journey of marriage:

• Be Together, But Don't Be.  I remember so many of my friends in Logan would talk about how people changed when they got married.  The notion was that once you get married, you pretty much disappear from the social scene.  I understand the importance of spending time together, but I understand that being alone and have time away from your spouse is even more significant.  Riley and I aren't afraid to get away with our friends for a weekend or to have a night by ourself.  When you're married, don't lose your individual self that makes you "you." 

• Independence. One of the greatest blessings (although not necessarily by choice) has been living far from family, particularly over the past almost four years.  It's just been me and Riley; no parents and no siblings to constantly call for help.  We have relied on one another and the network of friends we have built up in St. George.  Of course, this doesn't mean we don't miss them all because we certainly do!!  If you really want to test your marriage and your resilience, move away for a few years.  Let your best opportunities for a better future as a family lead you.

• Call Their BS. This isn't as bad as it sounds.  You both are bound to encounter things that will upset or bother you.  Instead of stewing over it, be honest with one another and express your feelings.  One of the key lessons in personal and professional life is that people don't know how they are acting until someone makes them aware.  A behavior cannot be adjusted if someone doesn't know they are doing it.  Avoiding those small problems can lead to larger issues if they are prolonged... so, cut the CRAP! ;)

• Never Stop Dreaming.  I am a dreamer.  I am a goal-setter.  I have a vision for the way I want my life and my career to go.  Riley knows this and he knew this before we got married.  I know he is the same way.  He has goals and vision for his career and family 20 years down the road.  The best thing you can do in a marriage is to honor and validate those goals of personal growth and development.  Of course, there will always be unexpected turns, but you will always get where you need to go.  I am so grateful for Riley's hard work and his willingness to allow me to chase my passions.  Support.  Sacrifice.

• FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE.  This one does not need much explanation.  We don't have many big arguments, but of course every couple encounters this.  These arguments tend to come in those brief moments of fatigue, stress, and perhaps even hunger haha.  I know I am one of the most stubborn people, ask Riley and my mom ha.  Of course, this is never a good ingredient in the recipe for getting along.  One of the aspects in our marriage have taken greatest pride in is our ability to recognize our faults and apologize quickly.  Neither of us can go long being upset with one another and it isn't worth it to allow hard feelings to go on.

                                    

I recently started a book called Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist.  Her chapters range anywhere from food to friends to family to work.  Possibly one of my favorite chapters is one titled "A Blessing for a Bride."  Here is an excerpt:

"People refer to your wedding day as the best day of your life. I understand why entirely. I remember my wedding day so absolutely clearly. I remember putting on the veil, seeing Aaron’s face for the first time, the heaviness of my dress as I walked down the aisle with my dad. I remember the taste of the champagne and the sound of the band. I remember dancing with Aaron as though it was last night, and it was nearly eight years ago.

This is the thing, though: When people tell you that your wedding day is the best day of your life, what it sort of sounds like they’re saying is that it’s all downhill after the wedding is over. So many pastors make it a point to tell you, right during the ceremony, that it’s all fun and games while you’re wearing the dress and holding the flowers, but that serious business starts when the dancing stops. That’s true, in some ways. Marriage is a serious business, and there’s a lot to marriage that you can’t see from where you’re standing in the front of a church, bridesmaids surrounding you.

Your wedding day will, of course, be an extraordinary day. But on that day, you cannot imagine the beautiful, life-altering, soul-shaping things ahead of you. This is just the beginning. I know you believe that you could not possibly love him more than you do right now. I understand that. I felt that. I was wrong. I’m not an expert on anything, and certainly not on marriage, but I’m here to tell you that what you feel on your wedding day is like dipping your toe in an ocean, and with every passing year, you swim farther and farther from the shore, unable, at a certain point, to see anything but water. This is just the beginning, and you can’t imagine the love that will bloom between you over time.

You will cry together, laugh together, pray and dance and move furniture together. You will learn and unlearn things, make a home together, hurt each other’s feelings without meaning to, and sometimes very much on purpose. You will learn over time that the heart of marriage is forgiveness. You will learn in the first six months how much forgiveness he requires, and then you will realize, in the six months after that, just how much forgiveness you yourself need.

A piece of practical advice: you will not sleep well the night before your wedding. It’s pretty much a fact. Your mind will rattle and shake, full of bizarre fears. You fear that your dress will fall off. It will not. You fear that you did not, in fact, secure a caterer. You did. You will fear, with each passing hour of the night, that your face is puffing up like a sausage and the area under your eyes is becoming blacker than an eight ball. This is not true. You are young, and a good makeup artist can cover a multitude of sins. Wake up a bridesmaid or your mother, make some tea, and let them remind you about the important things: the florist will indeed show up, your crazy uncle probably will hit on your bridesmaids, but they’ll play it off graciously, and most important, you are indeed ready to be a wife.

Part of being a married couple means that you create a new identity together, woven from your experiences and histories and lives. Work hard to become your own family, with your own values and traditions, things you always do, things you never do, things that bring you back to why you fell in love in the first place. Dance to your song in the backyard, wear your wedding shoes every anniversary. Carve out your own history together, little by little, month by month, year by year. Because there will be seasons that are as dry as deserts, and the history of your love for one another will be the water you need to bring new life and growth, turning that season from dust to garden once again.

Today is about the promise of the future and all the great moments of the past and, indeed, this beautiful present where you stand together, surrounded by people who love you and who are praying that your marriage is one of the great ones. It could be, you know, if you work hard and forgive often, and get over yourself and your selfishness over and over again. It could be one of the stories people tell, when they want to believe in love’s power and life’s richness. It could be one that your children and grandchildren tell each other, praying that someday they’ll have a love like yours.

My grandparents celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary this year. They are one of those couples that are living a love story every day, even after sixty years. They went to third grade together, and then Grandma’s family moved away. And when they met again at seventeen, Grandpa swears he remembered that beautiful face from the third grade. They were married at the Justice of the Peace, just before Grandpa left for the Navy. They moved to Hawaii a few years after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Life took them to California for a few years, and then back home to Michigan. At their house in Kalamazoo, Grandpa worked in his shop while Grandma tended her roses, all along the white fence. We watched them slow dance in the kitchen and loved to look through their pictures from Hawaii and their sailing trips. They love to ride bikes together, and for their seventy-fifth birthdays, they took their tandem recumbent bike to Washington, DC, to ride along the Potomac.

On the night of their anniversary party, we had dinner and cake and when we toasted them, essentially, we all said the same thing. We each said our own versions of thank you for having a marriage that gives us something extraordinary to aspire to. Thank you for all the times we caught you kissing in the kitchen and all the times you showed us pictures of your wedding and your years in Hawaii and your sailing trips and bike rides. Thank you for giving us a picture of how we could be, if we work really hard and are very good to one another. Thank you for living with so much love and tenderness and laughter that we have in you a real life picture of how good it can be.

You, my dear friend, will be a bride for one day, but you will, with God’s grace and your own very hard work, be a wife to this man every day for the rest of your life. Being a bride is super-fun, but it pales in comparison to the thrill and beauty of being a part of one of the truly great partnerships, like my grandparents. 

Make your love story one worth telling. 

Make it one worth living, every day, as long as you both shall live."

I love our love.  I love our adventures and I love coming home to you.  Riley, thank you for doing this life with me.

I hope we can always set an example to others as we move forward, as well as continue to be an example to one another.  May we always live in the present and savor these days when it's just you and me (and Jersey of course).  And one day when we look back, I hope our story is worth telling.

Here's to locking that love and throwing away the key.

xoxo

Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.